I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
