Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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