is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
