Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
