I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My pussy is not your playground.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
