After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
