the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
God I need to hump something, right now.
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