You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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