is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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