woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
