Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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