this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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