tonight lets celebrate not being married
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
