You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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