I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
40s are totally the cure
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
