overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
