Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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