Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Randomize
