Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you inspire me to be a worse person
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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