I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
