I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
