o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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