this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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