dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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