Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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