Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
