I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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