Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize