I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
