I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
