Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
