I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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