Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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