Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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