Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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