..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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