he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
