if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
