She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
