2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
