I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
