I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
