ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
