Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
