I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
