so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
