And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
