my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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