You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
