The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
