The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
