you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize