90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
