life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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