I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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