It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
