I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
