i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
