Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
