Is it normal to miss your booty call?
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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